This extract consists of an amusing quiz: Do you have what it takes to be a politician’s wife?
Answer as truthfully as you can to the questions below. As it takes a thief to catch a thief, it may well take a savvy, sassy politician (that’s you) to nab a politician.
1.Veronica Lario is…
a) Former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi’s estranged wife who scored big time after she left that geriatric.
b) Someone who should have known better.
c) A new perfume.
2. Nkandla renovations cost
a) Around R246 million.
b) Pay Back the Money.
c) A few million but I hear security upgrades and fire pools are very expensive. (I wouldn’t mind a fire pool. Er, what is a fire pool?)
3. Which two South African female politicians kissed, merged, and then ‘divorced’ publically soon after:
a) DA leader Helen Zille and Agang founder Mamphela Ramphele.
b) What women do with each other publicly or privately is a valid expression of intimacy.
4. Which is your favourite parliamentary quote:
a) ‘While the honourable Mazibuko may be a person of substantial weight, her stature is questionable.’
b) ‘Jacob Zuma’s cows must pay the e-toll.’
c) I don’t think what they say in parliament has anything to do with us.
5. Who said: ‘There were lots of pictures taken that day, and I just thought it was a bit of fun.’
a) Danish prime minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt who took a selfie with Barack Obama and David Cameron under Michelle O’s glares.
b) US congressman Anthony Weiner aka Carlos Danger who took a selfie of his weiner and sent it to a 20 year old – or two.
c) The married Durban socialite who brought down KZN Arts and Culture minister Narend Singh.
6. Where can you buy sexy, lacy panties?
a) Outside parliament in the EFF branded merchandise corner.
b) I don’t buy underwear that objectifies me.
c) La Senza.
1. Complete the sentence: Dali Mpofu is…
a) A member of the EFF and a respected advocate.
b) Trouble. What was Winnie thinking?
c) Tjo. Quite the charmza!
2. If you ever meet Steve Hofmeyr, you will…
a) Teach him to sing the entire national anthem before having a serious discussion on social cohesion and ways to build a nation.
b) Tell him you are a crack shot and he should watch his unfaithful ass.
c) Ensure you’ve taken your birth-control pill that day.
3. Are you down with the people? Complete this sentence: In The Bold & the Beautiful…
a) Stephanie was the moral compass and now she’s gone, is no standard to hit against.
b) Is that a hard-hitting documentary? No? I don’t watch it then.
c) Hope is the new moral compass. At least, she tried to hang onto her virginity. Well, for a little while anyway.
4. Are you down with the people part 2? Generations is…
a) Still a mess! And Zwelinzima is obviously also no longer a fan after he said he wanted to cut Mfundi Vundla ‘down to size’.
b) Still overly aspirational.
c) I still miss Ntsiki. At least Karabo is back!
5. Decipher Fikile Mbalula’s tweet: ‘Incipient in this strategic initiative is its cataclysmic effect between the anvil of grassroots development of sport.’
a) I think it’s got something to do with sport development or quotas.
b) Jargon is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
c) Oh ya, my ex-boyfriend in Rosettenville had an anvil. It’s like a heavy iron block so he could shape metal.
How fast are your reactions:
1. You think your political husband may be contemplating a divorce. The first thing you do is…
a) Make an appointment with divorce attorney Billy Gundelfinger so hubby can’t.
b) Make an appointment with a gun-for-hire.
c) Make an appointment with a marriage counselor.
2. His phone beeps at 3am. He is downstairs: You:
a) Check the message, of course. It could only be his nyatsi at this time of night.
b) Smash his phone. It’s waking you up.
c) Take his phone to him and tell him he has a message.
1. When you heard that Noluthando Vavi had stood by Zwelinzima after that intern sex scandal, your first thoughts were:
a) She has her reasons – why should she give it all up for something meaningless?
b) She should have retaliated with the first available Ben 10.
c) Ag, shame, man. It’s none of our business and he looked very sorry.
2. Is it more important to look good and make a grand entrance than to be on time?
a) I can’t answer the question now – I’m two hours late, I haven’t done my make-up yet and I’m the keynote speaker.
b) Timing is everything. Looks are just another way men oppress women.
c) Actually, I’m just busy giving myself a home mani and pedi at the moment.
3. When you walk into Tasha’s, Tasha herself greets your personally with a kiss on both cheeks. You say…
a) Darling! I love the new place in Dubai!
b) I don’t like it there. Tasha’s is too much of a ‘scene’.
c) What or who is Tasha?
4. Your memoir would start like this:
a) I had a politician husband in Africa.
b) Aluta Continua.
c) It was a dark and stormy night.
Mostly As: You are the quintessential political wife who may well have aspirations of becoming Numero Uno herself one day. Good. You secretly admire Carla Bruni-Sarkozy’s hair but not her style of political wifedom. You know that too much sex and he will not concentrate on the big prize. You keep the balance right. Keep in mind what Facebook’s chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, once said: ‘The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.’ You will make a better leader than any man. You are not just a trophy wife. He’s the trophy and you want it. Read on. You will get it.
Mostly Bs: Thank you for taking time out of your anger management meeting to do this test. It is better that you do not marry a politician. You will not last a year. Neither will he. And then there’ll be police and a messy trial. Forget about joining the ANC Women’s League. Although the League has decided SA finally is ready for a female president, this being the 21st century and all, they’re backing JZ’s ex or anyone from KZN. Are you from KZN? Rather become a dominatrix for kicks instead – or the CEO of Anglo American. And we’re not saying etiquette is everything but the steak knife is for cutting meat, not his manly bits.
Mostly Cs: You imagine the best political wives are neat, smiling women with little on their minds aside from redecorating the presidential palace and going indigenous with the garden. You are probably right. You will make a good political wife. Just not a particularly interesting one. Do one thing today that scares you, perhaps like forgetting the pale lipstick. Just for a day. You don’t want to be upgraded when your ‘best before’ date is up. Remember, a replacement may undo all your hard charity work and even re-catalogue the bibliographic entries in the library.Eish.
Conclusion: You now know what you are dealing with psychologically and astrologically. You know yourself a little better too. You are prepared. You are ready to enter the jungle and spot your prey. Load your gun, sister. We have our sights on the big prize.